I have no idea where my crush on LiF came from. After all he looks nothing like Matt Smith, the 'Mad Man with a box', Doctor Who, who is in fact the perfect man. At least the lead singer of Ram Raid wears very similar shoes to the Doctor. Not the bow tie and braces though. No one wears the bow tie and braces. That's a great shame.
I am in fact quickly going blind and occasionally wear glasses (do not think that the type of men I am attracted to and the fact that my eyesight is deteriorating with my old age. I have had been attracted to the strangest people for years).
One day I walked into the kitchen most probably looking for something to eat but I hung around for a bit of a chat with Chef when LiF turns round to me and says 'I have such a thing for women wearing square rimmed glasses'. I was slightly taken a back at this out of the blue comment.
I, out of slight embarrassment that I had been singled out like that in front of everyone, attempted to take my glasses off.
'No, keep them on' he said. Then he said something rather rude about going into the toilets in the back. Now although flirting levels had increased ten fold in the couple of days preceding this comment I had seen how disgusting those toilets were and you wouldn't catch me anywhere near them in a million years. So I politely declined his offer. Not that I would have taken him up on this if they were the cleanest toilets in the world.
After that I couldn't wear my glasses without a comment or a look from someone. Every time I wore them I felt a little bit guilty.
Now Easter Sunday was, like all other Sundays, a transfer day. This involved very long hours and lots of cleaning. For one of the only times I decided to go out on transfer day to Toss the Boss at Jacks (whether I had ulterior motives for going out that night I will leave it up to your to decide)
It was an odd night in which 'my friend fancies your friend' was said many times. I didn't know that people over the age of 11 said this but apparently they do. Horrifically embarrassed that the attention was suddenly, inexplicably on us, we decided it was probably best just to leave quietly and walk home. He had to stop many many times on the way up for a rest. He should have been used to walking up mountains by that point but he obviously wasn't.
By the time we got back the fashion designer was already home having got a taxi and was making her bed up in the living room. LiF was rather pissed off that she had got a taxi and he had had to walk all the way. I maintain that this exercise would have done him some good and this it was another sign that he was not made to be a smoker. He then spent rather a long time exploring my flat, 'you have a microwave! that's not fair', 'you have a dishwasher! That's not fair, 'You have a bath! That's not fair'. He went on in this way for some time.
I left him at home the next day when I went to work secure in the knowledge that the fashion designer would look after him. She has been known to make little packed lunches up for the people her housemates have brought home and I fully expected her to do the same this time. He might be rather disappointed to find this out because in the end he only got a cup of tea (and that was earl grey tea because she didn't want to use up the limited supply of Tetley Tea, she got rather selfish in the mountains).
I was fully prepared for the huge level of banter levelled at the two of us that day (and for the next two weeks if I'm being honest) but it did come in think and fast from the second I got into work and then multiplied when he walked in three hours later. It was partly because people were so shocked at the complete contrast between the two of us. And shock that I had finally pulled after six months. However I had rather to many 'oh but I thought he was gay' comments for my liking. I was however pleased with myself for being able to take and answer back all the things flung at me. Chef actually said that he was quite proud of me for this and it was proof that I was cool. LiF on the other hand could not take it at all and actually looked upset every time. After a week of this I had had enough and as something rude was being said as I was leaving the kitchen, I walked back in and said 'for god sake just answer them back' before leaving again.
In the interim I received a couple of text messages from him, one referring to me as 'my lovely' and the other as 'sugar'. Now I'm not great with affectionate nicknames, I'm just not that kind of girl. And this was no exception. I tried to ignore them. I came into work one day and Chef repeatedly called me sugar. I have no idea how he found out and I don't want to know. I replied that Sugar is the name of a character in one of my favourite books, she was a Victorian prostitute. LiF continued to look embarrassed. He didn't called me sugar again though thank god (I did get a 'my lovely' again though when he wanted me to buy him a lighter. I ignored that too).
About a week later I walked in to the kitchen to see the kitchen boys huddled round the kitchen bench.
Now I understand that it was shut down week. I understand that they were bored. I understand that they were sick of cleaning. I don't understand why this all leads to LiF snorting black pepper through a rolled up bit of paper. I had stood and watched this with complete disbelief. This was potentially the stupidest thing I had ever seen anyone do. When I asked him why he was doing this he replied that snorting things was just something he had always done. Apparently the worst thing he had ever snorted was washing powder.
Now I saw him do a series of odd things that week. This mainly involved him wearing something he had stolen from the lost property box, like bibs, children's t - shirts and shorts. Every time I saw him dressed like that I found it slightly disturbing.
Now as you can imagine a week of cleaning is really boring. Unbelievably boring. And tedious. Very tedious. I understand this. Now mid week I walked into the kitchen again (I really did seem to spend a lot of time in the kitchen now I think about it) and the kitchen boys were talking about yoghurt. A odd topic of conversation you might think. I thought the same. Chef turned to LiF and asked him to snort it. Yes that's right, you read it correctly. He asked him to snort yoghurt. At that moment the hotel manager walked in to the kitchen. The kitchen boys all suddenly pretended to be on their best behaviour and swiftly moved in front of the line of yoghurt that had now been specifically arranged for the purpose. I managed to distract the manager and walked him out of the kitchen before doubling back and coming back in. The yoghurt had by this point been 'cut' with lemon juice. And then he snorted it. I watched him do it. It was beyond weird. Indescribable. I have never seen anything like it.
A few weeks after I came home I was talking with a mutual friend who worked with him in Courchevel and she told me this story 'basically one night during shut down week, after far too much to drink and after all of the sensible people had gone to bed some of the boys decided they would try and put alcohol hand gel on their bodies and light it. He was the only person stupid enough to do it and ended up with the most HUMONGOUS blisters on his back, arse and i believe gooch you have ever seen'
I was talking to some one else about him and they said it was amazing how he made such an impact in such a short time, the area manager once told me he was her favourite employee of the season and one girl said she had wanted to shag him for ages because she imagined he was into really weird things.
I still think of him when I put my glasses on at work, its a bit embarrassing really. I start day dreaming and thinking about his tattoos. I always wanted to look at them in detail and I never got the chance. That is why I need to get new glasses.
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