Safety in the Mountains

As the assistant manager and head of staff welfare (I gave myself that second title, it just means that every time someone was crying and/or threatening to go home I was the one who went to sort them out) it fell to me to give all new staff the 'Safety in the Mountains' talk.

The initial talk was given to me and the other future managers while at training. It was given by the company's head of Health and Safety, a delightful man who had obviously spent years building up his collection of amusing pictures for said talk.  For some people in the room it was the fourth or fifth time they had heard him give the talk but apparently his health and safety themed jokes are just as funny the fourth time you hear them as the first.

I adapted the talk and kept adapting it for each new addition to the hotel. I unfortunately did not have any comedy slides or health and safety themed jokes. Contrary to popular belief I was also fully aware that for the most part my useful and sensible advice was going to be totally ignored however earnest everyone appeared upon first hearing it (on the rare occasion, to my downfall, I even ignored it myself ).

Thing my first safety talk included,

1. The altitude!
The altitude affects people in all kind of ways. Some are rather disgusting and odd, it affects your bowels and makes you produce more snot (rates of nose picking amongst staff increase ten fold, as did the rate of me saying 'for fuck sake stop picking your nose you disgusting inbred'). It makes you burn calories faster which was a massive plus for those of us who went out needing to drop more than a few pounds, but it also means your diet needs to be altered to include more carbohydrates and sugar or the exhaustion will set in.

The main one that affects seasonaires is it makes you get pissed faster. Altitude and alcohol. It was great in a way - as alcohol in ski resorts is so ridiculously expensive - but as the sensible assistant manager - warnings were issued and ignored, as I knew they would be.

2. Drugs!
Contrary to popular belief, I have no problem with people taking drugs, I am not shocked or bothered by them. I often toe the party line when talking about them because I have to. I don't take them myself because I am just not interested and for the most part, my friends just aren't interested either. And because people who get to 25 and have taken too many drugs just talk about it all the time believing they are really cool and are in fact boring everyone in the room.  That and I just don't have the money for something as expensive as drugs, I would much rather buy something else, something that didn't make me vomit down myself or run down the street naked or some such stupid thing that I would be bound to do.

3. Sex!
Being a seasonaire is like being a student, there is sex everywhere (or almost everywhere if you're me). Unlike being a student in England when your a seasonaire it costs a minimum of 50 euros to go to the doctor. This leads to two things, STIs and pregnancy. I tried to keep this one simple. Use a condom and if you girls find yourself in trouble please come and talk to me. Luckily no one did, not heard about a seasonaire baby amongst my staff yet. About the STI's I haven't heard and really do not want to

This concluded my first health and safety talk. Three items were later included;

1. People will bitch about you, they have nothing else to talk about. Ignore it
2. Everyone will know everything you do, nothing will be secret. If you don't want everyone to talk about it don't do it.
3. Don't let the baby faced boy with the long blonde hair persuade you its a good idea to get with him. He will do his best to wear you down. Just say no.